i ran all the way home just to say i'm sorry

I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING. please believe that i am not being melodramatic when i say this is the meanest thing anyone ever did to me, and is a trauma i am still dealing with to this day.

three years ago i started talking to a boy online. let's call him BIGDUMMYHEAD. i already knew who he was because he played guitar in a band i liked. he knew who i was because we had mutual friends in common. he lived two hours away, and within days of us talking we already made plans for him to come hang out on my radio show. after hot trash, we went to a party and he sat very close to me on the couch. he put his hand on my leg. i can't remember if we kissed that first night, because i blocked out a lot of that time in my life.

DISCLAIMER: let me say right now that even looking back, i STILL do not think i did anything wrong. of course that might sound selfish or ignorant but i am not just saying that because i'm not willing to accept the blame for the way things turned out. this was entirely on him. one thing that i will say was my fault was being too naive not to realize that things weren't what they seemed. i also certainly rushed into things without thinking them through, and i blame that on the fact that i had been single for 3 years before he came along and i was smitten with the idea of being in a relathionship again. i only wish i had protected my heart a little better instead of just giving it away to the next guy who told me he wanted to take care of it.

quickly, we settled into a routine: we would visit each other every weekend, usually switching off. sometimes he would have a day off work and would come up unexpectedly, and that was always a nice surprise. even though i have always been terrified of driving long distances by myself (i HATE the feeling of being lost and i am terrible with directions!), i found myself hurrying home from work on friday afternoons so that i could pack up and drive to his house until sunday night. sometimes, we took the greyhound (which was a fear in itself to get over). when we were together, i thought things were perfect. he was like a little kid in the way he would get so excited to take me to his favorite places around town and show me things i wasn't familiar with. he took me to an amazing record store on the back of his cute little motorcycle. i cooked dinner for him and his roommates. he liked to put on records and slow dance with me in the middle of the room. as stupid as this sounds, i have to admit that i felt special dating this guy in a band i liked who knew all these other people in bands that he would introduce me to. plus, he knew a lot about music in general and turned me onto a lot of new stuff that was exciting.

sometimes he could be impossibly romantic and i was a complete sucker for it. one weekend that i wasn't scheduled to come visit, he begged me to come see him and promised that if i would, we would go out to karaoke with his friends and he would sing "beast of burden" by the rolling stones to me. he did, then proceeded to get kicked out for jumping up on a table to sing it to me. another time he learned how to play "our" song one man band style and led me down into the basement where all his equipment was so that he could surprise me with it. we were both so embarrassed that we couldn't look at each other while he sang it to me. but it was cute.

when we weren't together, we would text and call constantly throughout the day. he said silly things to me about how he wanted to marry me and live together. he seemed offended when i took it as a joke; wouldn't i like it if he moved to cleveland and we could get our own place? he said we should start a band together. i started looking for a place to live. i started buying used dishes at the thrift store. i told my roommates i was moving out.

sure, it seemed crazy after only a few months. but it was also exactly what i wanted to hear. i'm not a big fan of the whole dating scene. i always imagined myself marrying young and starting a family and cooking casseroles for dinner. so when he pseudo-proposed, i pseudo-accepted by making the appropriate changes in my life. the plan was that he would move here in november. the last thing he had keeping him in town was driving his friends from japan while they were on tour during the last week of october.

but as soon as he left for tour, the phone calls stopped. i didn't even try calling him myself, figuring he must be busy and he would call me when he got a chance. soon even the texts stopped. he claimed he was "too busy." one day while i was at work, he texted me, "i don't think this is working out." which was news to me, because before he left things were working out so well that he was moving his whole life 200 miles to be with me. it was a very ugly time for me because i never saw it coming, and he was not sympathetic at all. he said very terrible things to me, called me names, told me to get over it, said we had nothing in common and he didn't see a point in being together. once he dumped me via text message, that was good enough for him to cut all ties and put me behind him. not surprisingly, i wanted more of an explanation than this. i got none.

within a few days, one of his friends had the decency to call me and tell me that BIGDUMMYHEAD returned to town with the all-girl japanese punk band he was driving around and married the lead singer. she barely spoke any english. i even asked him about her one time because i heard a rumor about the two of them. he said that was silly, they were just friends. they started a band together once they were married. he posted lots of pictures of the newly married couple on the message board where he knew we both posted and i was sure to see them.

so there i was, completely humiliated, hurt, confused, disappointed. i had nowhere to go because i already told my roommates i was leaving and they made plans of their own that didn't include me. and to top it all off, BIGDUMMYHEAD was going around telling everyone this happened because i was crazy and he didn't want to date me anymore.

UGH.

occasionally, i would see him at a show in my town or his. we always pretended like we didn't know each other and i made sure not to make eye contact. once, when i walked right past him and i wasn't expecting to see him at all, i burst into tears without warning. i didn't even feel them coming. it was that painful to see him and remember what he did.

last nite i went to now that's class with josh. BIGDUMMYHEAD was there, driving another band around on tour. it made me so uncomfortable just having him in the same room as me, but i tried to ignore it. then, he walked past me and WAVED AT ME. more than anything, i was pissed. how DARE he think he can treat me the way he did and then just wave like we were old friends? i fumed. josh patted my hand to comfort me.

later on, he walked by again and said to me, "hey how are you?" i must have looked confused because he explained, "just saying hi!" i was too shocked to speak, but i found my voice quickly because there was plenty i wanted to say. "why?" i demanded.

"why what?"

"why are you saying hi?"

"because i'm friendly. i'm always friendly. you should know that."

i was appalled. i asked him if he even remembered the last communication we had and he said no.

"it was when you called me in the middle of the night and said, 'listen you fat nerd...'"

then he apologized. he said he was sorry for what happened because i was a good person and i didn't deserve that. he said he was a "different kind of dick then" and he honestly didn't even remember saying those things, but he knew he was sorry for what happened. i asked if he was drunk or on drugs. he said no. then he told me that me and josh look sweet together and he is glad i'm happy.

when he was talking to me, josh tried to stick up for me by saying, "she doesn't wanna talk to you." but i had to silence josh. because HE OWED THAT APOLOGY TO ME and I DESERVED EVERY SECOND OF IT. i never thought it would happen. i never thought the day would come.



i cried, sitting there on the purple couch at now that's class.

last sunday, josh took me to a cute diner for breakfast. i can't believe i've never been there before, seeing as how it's like 5 minutes from my house. while we sat there, we compiled a list of things we want to do and places we want to go this summer. weekends are the only full days we have to spend together and really go out and do things. every saturday and sunday morning, one of us will inevitably ask the other, "so, what are we doin today?" and we wanted to make sure that we are never short on possibilities and wasting precious time when we could be out having adventures. that's what we always called it when we would go out bummin' last summer when we first started hanging out. usually we would take our cameras and find some creepy, abandoned place to take pictures.

anyway, here is our ongoing list:

-explore the abandoned chippewa amusement park before it gets torn down
-revisit my favorite place, lakeview cemetery
-find new cemeteries to explore
-go to the cleveland police museum and see the torso murder exhibit
-go to some train museum that josh knows about (hopefully there will be some boxcar hobos there, too)
-go to middlefield for the flea market/cheesehouse
-roadtrip to west virginia so josh can show me cool stuff (mudriver mall, hasil adkins grave, etc)
-go to all the local diners we can (annabelle's, ruthie and moe's, earle and jackie's street trolley diner, lester's diner, porky's, dan's dogs, the white turkey drive-in)
-hit up lots of flea markets/estate sales/garage sales
-play at the natural history museum
-roadtrip to philly (mutter museum) and atlantic city
-go fishing
-lots of carnivals and fairs!
-go to the harley davidson museum and eat in the diner car
-car shows!!
-see a horror movie at a drive-in
-go to an auction
-go on a picnic
-the zoo
-visit the allen county museum (weird collections of junk)
and above all,
-FIND A DEAD BODY!

josh and i spent all of last summer going on adventures and looking for dead bodies. surely, it has to happen sometime. i always imagine us going on some "stand by me"-type adventure where the payoff at the end is a dead body (but hopefully keifer sutherland won't have to tip me off about it first).


and finally, here is a picture that no one (except perhaps phoebe and her daily feet) will appreciate: a "tattoo" josh drew on me of a tattoo that he wants. because what screams, "hello, i'm from west virginia" better than a tattoo that reads "dirty feets"?? oh yeah, and did i mention that josh wants ME to tattoo it on him? nevermind the fact that i can't even draw a straight line with a pen, let alone a tattoo gun. HAHA. i love my hillbilly boyfriend.

rock'n'roll marathon

josh and i decided to attempt a week and a half long marathon of rock'n'roll. it involved a show just about every single night. here are the results.

friday, march 6: we went to now that's class to see the inmates and midnight. things were not as crazy as i was expecting them to be. both bands were awesome. josh actually left without bleeding or being hit in the head for once! not a bad night.

saturday, march 7: we went to the agora cafe, which is actually now the new location of the town fryer. i had never been to the old location but heard a lot about it and was always curious. this time, we were there to see reverend dead eyes no man gospel band. i have a one man band fetish. we almost went home because the front doors were locked and when we peeked in the windows no one was inside, so we thought the fact that we were a half hour late might have meant we missed the show entirely. we got in by going around back and quickly realized the show hadn't even started yet and we were the only ones in there. aside from the staff and their friends, we remained the only paying customers of the show the entire night. it was awkward. but we met susie, the owner who is the cutest thing in the world. she endeared herself to us by making a comment about how they "don't much like to follow rules around there." perfect, our kind of people. we also made friends with mr. deadeye, and i apologized for dropping the ball when he asked for help finding a place to play last time he was in town. we talked about touring and one man bands and graveyards, and he told us about the collection of full moon water he kept in a storage space. he rules and we promised to take him to lakeview cemetery next time he is in town. he played two sets and proved to be one of the more talented one man bands that i've seen (he even did the whole first song blindfolded -- which was impressive enough to me that he was playing all those instruments by himself WITH eyes, let alone without them).

sunday, march 8: i dragged josh along with me to now thats class to see another one man band, john barrett's bass drum of death. thinking we were seeing an opening band, we watched two dudes play a very good set, then later found it was the newly named "bass drum of death" when one man apparently became two. they were fun, but i was disappointed that i came to see a one man band. also playing were the points, who have a huge live sound and sound a little bit like the marked men on their latest album, which i picked up at the show. good, especially for a free show.

monday, march 9: this had to be the first show i booked that i was disappointed with. ryan pits and the boy toys asked me to help get them a show, so i did. paul from now that's class booked the opening band, who just weren't my thing. i was supposed to dj, but when i got there i found that the person who did it before me switched things all around and everything sounded awful. the worst part was that i suspect the turntable motor is giving out, and in the middle of a record it would start spinning really slow and then right itself again. everyone kept looking at me like i didn't know what i was doing, so eventually i gave up and packed my things early. ryan pits and the boy toys played and seemed like they were totally bored or nervous or just not into it. they were not exciting to watch or hear, and i don't think they were enjoying themselves either. no one from the band ever came over to me and introduced themselves, said hi, smiled, waved, or thanked me for setting up the show. i have never had a band completely ignore me like that after asking me for a favor. paul told me after i went home that the band asked him where they could find a place to stay the nite, and paul told them "if you would have said something to erin, she would have put you up." i even cleaned my house just in case. oh well.

tuesday, march 10: i woke up sick and remained this way for the rest of the week. UGH. no going out to a show, but we had hot trash to do. it went as well as could be expected for feeling like i got hit by a semi-truck. i think it's very cute that josh comes with me every week even though he doesn't have to and i know he is tired in the mornings.

wednesday, march 11: this was our only scheduled night off. we lived it up by watching tv and going to bed sorta early. still very sick.

thursday, march 12: i was really excited to go see gentleman jesse and his men again, even though they were just here a few weeks ago with paul collins beat. they were opening for the black lips, a band i don't really enjoy on record but i do like to see live. while i was at work earlier in the day, jesse was gentlemanly enough to text me and say he put me and josh on the guestlist for the show...which was great because we're brokeasses and weren't looking forward to paying $12 each to get in anyway. when we got there the show was crowded, as the black lips are suddenly huge. there was a lot of drama because i guess the singer punched someone in the throat and put him in the hospital and ruined another girl's expensive camera by pouring beer on it because he was pissed at her for taking pictures of them while they played. get over it, geez. rockstars. after the show we went next door to downtown soulsville to have a soul danceparty. josh and i danced together, my new favorite thing, and i even watched russ romance shake his groove thang a little. eventually jesse and co. came over and hung out while they waited to pack up and come back to our house to sleep. jesse confirmed that the carbonas are indeed calling it quits, which is a bummer for me. after coming back home and making sure josh didn't throw up on anything important, we all crashed around 4am.

friday, march 13: we had every intention of going to now that's class to see the mishaps, a band i knew nothing about but josh assured me were good. but the fact that we were up so late the night before with our unexpected pajama party combined with my cold and our busy week so far...we both admitted defeat and stayed home in bed watching tv all night. it was awesome.

saturday, march 14: we went to now that's class to see the legendary BLOWFLY. he is sorta like a 70-year-old, raunchy, black version of weird al. he is known for taking such classics as otis redding's "sittin on the dock of the bay" and black flag's "tv party" and turning them into gems like "shittin on the dock of the bay" and "vd party." we got there early enough in case the show were to sell out, and indeed a lot of people showed up. but after sitting there for almost 4 hours through a hip-hop band and lots of downtime, we finally admitted to each other that a)we would rather save the $30 it was going to cost us to get in, b)it was probably only going to be funny for 5 minutes anyway, and c) we would rather be eating taco bell and fucking. so that's just what we did. snuck out the door, ate nachos and got x-rated. i can't say i regret it, either.

i'm still sick.
i'm so in love with josh it's sickening.
we rule.

dance like a maniac

not only am i a packrat, but i collect a lot of stuff: records, books, vintage stuff, 45 carrying cases, GIG pity kitty/puppy paintings, etc. therefore you can see how working at a thrift store is both a blessing and a curse for me. i also have a thing for hawaiian and japanese things:


























one night when i was bored last week i was doing a search on ebay under "geisha" and i stumbled upon an ebay store called sweet heart sinner creations. i immediately fell in love. the couple who run this have such good taste in everything! most of the items are handmade necklaces and cigarette cases. the themes include horror movies, pulp novels, sideshow freaks, vintage halloween images, pinup girls, tattoo flash, old photography, etc. they even made ones with GIG puppies and kittens, and victorian post-mortem photographs of dead people and babies! I SWOONED! then again, i am somewhat morbid and unconventional in my taste. still, i would recommend this store to everyone (especially the tooth necklace to lacey!). here are three i picked out (and i'm sure i'll be going back for more):







i also got two that i don't have pictures of. one is a drawing of a siamese twin skeleton joined at the chest, and the other is a cartoon of a skeleton chasing a scantily clad pinup girl. they are awesome and i can't wait to get them in the mail.

they also have a myspace page and an etsy store, but the ebay store has the most stuff in it.

things have been great with josh. the other day we had a weird day where we went to a hockey game (sports? who likes THOSE?) and then we came home and danced. a lot. like idiots. first it was to the new zero boys record, then half a side of a soul record, and then some 45s that i dj'ed (like "nobody but me" by the human beinz!) we danced together like damn fools and i couldn't stop laughing. i am notorious for demanding that everyone around me dances but not doing it myself. i don't dance. but dancing with josh was hilarious and awesome.

speaking of josh...when he first started sleeping over my house 8 months ago, he never warned me that he talks in his sleep. at first he would just roll over and mumble some nonsense (often times incoherent). i would always try to bait him and get him to carry on conversations but it didn't work until recently. here are a few of my favorite:

josh (rolls over): DOG LIFE!
me: what?!
josh: dog years.
me: what are you talking about?
josh: it means unlimited.
me: WHAT means unlimited?
josh: you don't know how to count good! (rolls back over)


josh (rolls over): are you guys gonna put ed on the show?
me: did you just ask 'are you gonna put ed on the show?'
josh: yeah, that'd be sweet.
me: ed who?
josh: A VIKING!
(rolls back over)

josh (rolls over): i can't tell what's dead and what's not!
me: josh, why are you saying such creepy things to me?
josh (gets an angry look on his face): i'm talking about the damn things!
me: what damn things?
josh: the newspapers!
me: what newspapers?
josh: ohhhhhhh, you know, damn it!
(rolls back over)

i still think my favorite one is when josh rolled over and yelled out "PIE!" and then went back to sleep. josh doesn't even like pie.

also, i think this commercial is pretty much the best thing i've ever seen.