"love has no middle term; either it destroys or it saves." -victor hugo

it all started with this little pumpkin.



i found it while unpacking a box of stuff at work. i put it in the cart for my friend heather to price after remarking how cute it was.

"oh, just get it!" she told me, but i held my ground. i'm trying to stop buying junk i don't need because --as sad as this sounds -- i'm running out of room in my house. because i really needed that ceramic monkey bank from the 60s, and yet another record player so that i can have one in every room, ya know?





but the more i thought about it, the more this nagging feeling told me otherwise.

"um, i think i want that pumpkin," i admitted sheepishly. heather laughed, knowing neither one of us can stand the temptation of more useless crap for our house, and took it out of her cart to hand it over.

"you know, THIS is why our boyfriends think we're crazy!" she said. i almost agreed with her, before reconsidering and telling her, "actually, my boyfriend is THE REASON i think i need this dumb thing. having him around makes me want to go home and cook a real dinner every night, and decorate my house for the holidays and stuff." she nodded like she understood, although i'm not really sure she did because she has been with her boyfriend for years and always acts like she doesn't like him.

regardless, that was the realization i came to with the ceramic pumpkin in my hand: josh makes me want to decorate the house at halloween (and various other actions i never thought i would be doing, like cooking gumbo for goodness sakes) because being with him makes the house feel like a home. WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE???

i just read a blog my friend lacey wrote that was similar in mush factor. what are these boys doing that is turning us tough rock'n'roll gals into a regular ol' mashed potato fest? i want to act like i'm completely alarmed, but the truth is, it feels niiiiiiiiiice. it feels like the time my car got snowed in the driveway when i was trying to leave for work in the morning, and finally i had to abandon post, ditch the idea of work for that day, and realize there was nothing else i had to do besides get my frostbitten ass in a steaming hot bubble bath. yeah, that's a lot like what this relationship feels like. i endured the blizzard and now i'm laying back in the tub with a book in one hand and one of those comfy inflatable pillows behind my head. ahhhhhh. thanks, josh.

the first time we officially met, we were at the beachland tavern. i'm not 100% positive, but something tells me we were there to see joe buck. i was with someone else that i was dating at the time. i can't remember if things were unhappy between us yet or not, but eventually they would become painfully so. my friend bob introduced josh to me by pulling him over and lifting up his shirt to show the tattoo of the southern states that he did on josh's stomach. josh didn't bat an eye at his friend introducing him to a couple of strangers that way, and he walked away. he was probably drunk. i recognized him immediately. i had seen him around at various shows here and there, and always wondered who the cute little boy was, but never had the nerve to approach him and find out. later i would learn that he was dating someone else at the time too. they were together for several years, and were almost certainly at the point of unhappiness by the time bob introduced us that night.

months went by. nothing happened. he was living almost an hour away and he didn't venture out to cleveland much unless it was for a show. i was still living back at home with my parents. i invited him to a couple things i thought he might enjoy: a one man band i booked at now thats class, a zombie walk my friend was organizing. of course, i knew these things might interest him because i learned about him on myspace like everyone does these days. in the meantime, my ex and i broke up. i figured he was still seeing someone, but wasn't sure. i decided to take a chance. i sent him a message asking if he wanted to watch "wild zero," my favorite zombie movie. he wrote back sure. a few days later, he wrote again and told me i was being out of line and he didn't think we should hang out after all. i was devastated. even moreso when i realized he deleted me off his friends list. OUCH!

6 months or so went by. i moved into a place of my own. one night in june the band lifetrap was playing a show at now thats class and i decided to go. i was sitting alone on the purple couch because johnny, my concert buddy, had decided a few months earlier that he was "too old" to stay out at shows anymore. i was used to going solo, but didn't like to socialize and spent a lot of time sitting by myself between bands. as i sat there people watching, i could have SWORN i saw josh walk past me and go out the front door. i told myself it probably wasn't him, because i never saw him hanging out there before. he walked back in and we made eye contact. i was humiliated because he snubbed me the way he did months earlier. he sat down next to me and asked with a smile, "so...are we ok?" confused yet smiling because of how lame i knew it was about to sound, i told him, "i don't know, you're the one that deleted me off your myspace." he told me his girlfriend had done it. the girlfriend he was dating back when we met. the girlfriend he was living with, who would go onto his account when he wasn't home and answer his messages pretending to be him. the girlfriend he was no longer dating.

"i quit my job this morning and i'm moving to cleveland," he told me as we sat there. i wondered how soon. "tomorrow," he said laughing. he didn't have a plan about where he was moving or where he would live. all he knew is that he got to work that morning, decided he never wanted to go in again, and drove home. he put in notice at his apartment complex, threw away a bunch of furniture, left a note for his ex (who was still living in the apartment at the time, but was out of the country on vacation), and was in cleveland that night with a friend, talking about moving there in the morning. ha. i knew this kid was crazy. but i also wondered, how weird is that? it's like we were waiting for each other.

we sat on the couch together all night long, only getting up to go in the other room and watch the bands. i noticed (while trying not to get too excited!) that every time i went in a room, i would turn to find josh standing right next to me. when the bands played and things got crazy, he would stand in front of me and make sure i didn't get hit in the head with any flying bottles or garbage cans. i wasn't sure if he kept ending up by me on accident or on purpose. before i left, i handed him a flier. it was for the nobunny/okmoniks show that i booked at the tower the next night. i was afraid he would leave now thats class and it would be months again before we ran into each other. "you should go to this," i told him. he took the flier but i honestly didn't expect to see him again.

the next night i went to see nobunny and the okmoniks, and it was one of the most fun shows i've ever been to. i decorated it like a party with balloons and streamers to surprise them, and they loved it and told me it was one of the best shows on the tour so far.







imagine my surprise when who should stumble in but josh. i couldn't believe he came. he told me much later that he had no real interest in the show (although he did end up enjoying it), but he came because he wanted to see me again. i guess you could call the rest history. that was almost seven months ago, and we have been inseparable since. in those 7 months, we have only spent one day apart (and that was the night he got drunk and accidentally passed out in his grandma's upstairs hallway instead of coming over. ha. he couldn't hear the phone ringing downstairs while i called him all night long, thinking he was dead. good thing we can look back on that now and laugh).

we were only hanging out (every spare minute of the day, but still) for about two weeks when i told him i wanted him to have a key to my place. it seems crazy, but it felt like the right thing to do. i tend to follow my heart instead of my head. he was moved in by the third month. by now, i don't know what i would do without waking up and falling asleep next to him every day.

things fell into place and felt completely natural right from the start. in fact, some things seem like such uncanny coincidences that it prompts me to believe this HAD to happen. this was meant to happen. we were meant to happen.



i have never been with someone who is so perfect for me. and when i think about all the things i would want a person to be/say/do...it really doesn't get any better than this. josh is my other half and one of the greatest people i have ever met. i am so in love with this boy and his friendship is the most important thing in the world to me.

and that is why i had to buy this little teddy bear wearing a devil costume bobbing for apples to put out come october.



thanks a lot, boyfriend.



"genuine romantic love is much more than mere stupefying and intoxicating sex haze...true romantic love is real love. the characteristic mark of the experience, as in the case of all loving, is the blinding revelation that some other being can be more important to the lover than he is to himself."
-j.v.l. casserley